Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

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RFCc2549 – IP over Avian Carriers with Quality of Service

June 25, 2008

Network Working Group                                    D. Waitzman
Request for Comments: 2549                       IronBridge Networks
Updates: 1149                                           1 April 1999
Category: Experimental

IP over Avian Carriers with Quality of Service

Status of this Memo

This memo defines an Experimental Protocol for the Internet
community.  It does not specify an Internet standard of any kind.
Discussion and suggestions for improvement are requested.
Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Copyright Notice

Copyright (C) The Internet Society (1999).  All Rights Reserved.

Abstract

This memo amends RFC 1149, “A Standard for the Transmission of IP
Datagrams on Avian Carriers”, with Quality of Service information.
This is an experimental, not recommended standard.

Overview and Rational

The following quality of service levels are available: Concorde,
First, Business, and Coach.  Concorde class offers expedited data
delivery.  One major benefit to using Avian Carriers is that this is
the only networking technology that earns frequent flyer miles, plus
the Concorde and First classes of service earn 50% bonus miles per
packet.  Ostriches are an alternate carrier that have much greater
bulk transfer capability but provide slower delivery, and require the
use of bridges between domains.

The service level is indicated on a per-carrier basis by bar-code
markings on the wing.  One implementation strategy is for a bar-code
reader to scan each carrier as it enters the router and then enqueue
it in the proper queue, gated to prevent exit until the proper time.
The carriers may sleep while enqueued.

For secure networks, carriers may have classes Prime or Choice.
Prime carriers are self-keying when using public key encryption.
Some distributors have been known to falsely classify Choice carriers
as Prime.

Packets MAY be marked for deletion using RED paint while enqueued.

Weighted fair queueing (WFQ) MAY be implemented using scales, as
shown:

__
_____/—–\   / o\
<____   _____\_/    >–
+—–+              \ /    /______/
| 10g |               /|:||/
+—–+              /____/|
| 10g |                    |
+—–+          ..        X
===============================
^
|
=========

Carriers in the queue too long may leave log entries, as shown on the
scale.

The following is a plot of traffic shaping, from coop-erative host
sites.

Alt |       Plot of Traffic Shaping showing carriers in flight
|
2k |           ………………..
|          .                    .
|         .                      .
1k |        .                        .
|   +—+                          +—+
|   | A |                          | B |
|   +—+                          +—+
|_____________________________________________

Avian carriers normally bypass bridges and tunnels but will seek out
worm hole tunnels.  When carrying web traffic, the carriers may
digest the spiders, leaving behind a more compact representation.
The carriers may be confused by mirrors.

Round-robin queueing is not recommended.  Robins make for well-tuned
networks but do not support the necessary auto-homing feature.

A BOF was held at the last IETF but only Avian Carriers were allowed
entry, so we don’t know the results other than we’re sure they think
MPLS is great.  Our attempts at attaching labels to the carriers have
been met with resistance.

NATs are not recommended either — as with many protocols, modifying
the brain-embedded IP addresses is difficult, plus Avian Carriers MAY
eat the NATs.

Encapsulation may be done with saran wrappers.  Unintentional
encapsulation in hawks has been known to occur, with decapsulation
being messy and the packets mangled.

Loose source routes are a viable evolutionary alternative enhanced
standards-based MSWindows-compliant technology, but strict source
routes MUST NOT be used, as they are a choke-point.

The ITU has offered the IETF formal alignment with its corresponding
technology, Penguins, but that won’t fly.

Multicasting is supported, but requires the implementation of a clone
device.  Carriers may be lost if they are based on a tree as it is
being pruned.  The carriers propagate via an inheritance tree.  The
carriers have an average TTL of 15 years, so their use in expanding
ring searches is limited.

Additional quality of service discussion can be found in a Michelin’s
guide.

MIB and Management issues

AvCarrier2 OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     SEQUENCE OF DNA
MAX-ACCESS can’t-read
STATUS     living
DESCRIPTION “Definition of an avian carrier”
::= { life eukaryotes mitochondrial_eukaryotes crown_eukaryotes
metazoa chordata craniata vertebrata gnathostomata
sarcopterygii terrestrial_vertebrates amniota diapsida
archosauromorpha archosauria dinosauria aves neornithes
columbiformes columbidae columba livia }

AvCarrier OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     SET OF Cells
MAX-ACCESS not-accessible
STATUS     obsolete
DESCRIPTION “Definition of an avian carrier”
::= { life animalia chordata vertebrata aves
columbiformes columbidae columba livia }

PulseRate OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     Gauge(0..300)
MAX-ACCESS read-only

STATUS     current
DESCRIPTION “Pulse rate of carrier, as measured in neck.
Frequent sampling is disruptive to operations.”
::= { AvCarrier 1}

The carriers will not line up in lexigraphic order but will
naturally order in a large V shape.  Bulk retrieval is possible
using the Powerful Get-Net operator.

Specification of Requirements

In this document, several words are used to signify the requirements
of the specification.  These words are often capitalized.

MUST      Usually.

MUST NOT  Usually not.

SHOULD    Only when Marketing insists.

MAY       Only if it doesn’t cost extra.

Security Considerations

There are privacy issues with stool pigeons.

Agoraphobic carriers are very insecure in operation.

Patent Considerations

There is ongoing litigation about which is the prior art: carrier or
egg.

References

Waitzman, D., “A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on
Avian Carriers”, RFC 1149, 1 April 1990.

ACKnowledgments

Jim.Carlson.Ibnets.com > Jon.Saperia . ack 32 win 123 (DF)
Ross Callon, Scott Bradner, Charlie Lynn …

Author’s Address

David Waitzman
IronBridge Networks
55 Hayden Ave
Lexington, MA 02421
Phone: (781) 372-8161

EMail: djw@vineyard.net

Full Copyright Statement

Copyright (C) The Internet Society (1999).  All Rights Reserved.

This document and translations of it may be copied and furnished to
others, and derivative works that comment on or otherwise explain it
or assist in its implementation may be prepared, copied, published
and distributed, in whole or in part, without restriction of any
kind, provided that the above copyright notice and this paragraph are
included on all such copies and derivative works.  However, this
document itself may not be modified in any way, such as by removing
the copyright notice or references to the Internet Society or other
Internet organizations, except as needed for the purpose of
developing Internet standards in which case the procedures for
copyrights defined in the Internet Standards process must be
followed, or as required to translate it into languages other than
English.

The limited permissions granted above are perpetual and will not be
revoked by the Internet Society or its successors or assigns.

This document and the information contained herein is provided on an
“AS IS” basis and THE INTERNET SOCIETY AND THE INTERNET ENGINEERING
TASK FORCE DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING
BUT NOT LIMITED TO ANY WARRANTY THAT THE USE OF THE INFORMATION
HEREIN WILL NOT INFRINGE ANY RIGHTS OR ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF
MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.

Source : http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc2549.html

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RFCc1149 – Standard for the transmission of IP datagrams on avia

June 25, 2008

RFCc1149 – Standard for the transmission of IP datagrams on avia

Network Working Group                                        D. Waitzman
Request for Comments: 1149                                       BBN STC
1 April 1990

A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers

Status of this Memo

This memo describes an experimental method for the encapsulation of
IP datagrams in avian carriers.  This specification is primarily
useful in Metropolitan Area Networks.  This is an experimental, not
recommended standard.  Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Overview and Rational

Avian carriers can provide high delay, low throughput, and low
altitude service.  The connection topology is limited to a single
point-to-point path for each carrier, used with standard carriers,
but many carriers can be used without significant interference with
each other, outside of early spring.  This is because of the 3D ether
space available to the carriers, in contrast to the 1D ether used by
IEEE802.3.  The carriers have an intrinsic collision avoidance
system, which increases availability.  Unlike some network
technologies, such as packet radio, communication is not limited to
line-of-sight distance.  Connection oriented service is available in
some cities, usually based upon a central hub topology.

Frame Format

The IP datagram is printed, on a small scroll of paper, in
hexadecimal, with each octet separated by whitestuff and blackstuff.
The scroll of paper is wrapped around one leg of the avian carrier.
A band of duct tape is used to secure the datagram’s edges.  The
bandwidth is limited to the leg length.  The MTU is variable, and
paradoxically, generally increases with increased carrier age.  A
typical MTU is 256 milligrams.  Some datagram padding may be needed.

Upon receipt, the duct tape is removed and the paper copy of the
datagram is optically scanned into a electronically transmittable
form.

Discussion

Multiple types of service can be provided with a prioritized pecking
order.  An additional property is built-in worm detection and
eradication.  Because IP only guarantees best effort delivery, loss
of a carrier can be tolerated.  With time, the carriers are self-

regenerating.  While broadcasting is not specified, storms can cause
data loss.  There is persistent delivery retry, until the carrier
drops.  Audit trails are automatically generated, and can often be
found on logs and cable trays.

Security Considerations

Security is not generally a problem in normal operation, but special
measures must be taken (such as data encryption) when avian carriers
are used in a tactical environment.

Author’s Address

David Waitzman
BBN Systems and Technologies Corporation
BBN Labs Division
10 Moulton Street
Cambridge, MA 02238

Phone: (617) 873-4323

EMail: dwaitzman@BBN.COM

source : http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc1149.html

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The Physics of Santa Claus

May 7, 2008


No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead by now.
Santa’s Rebuttal
NORTH POLE, SANTA’S VILLAGE – For Immediate Release
It has come to the attention of Santa’s workshop that there have been disparaging remarks made in the press recently about Santa’s very existence. Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish, so-called study.
As was admitted by the skeptics, there is only a very small probability of finding a flying reindeer. That is precisely because they are all located at the Workshop. Your very argument against Santa is proof of his existence! As is widely known (Re: the excellent historical documentaries “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”) the flying reindeer are not a separate species, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns, which is passed on in their offspring.
A series of cascading assumptions have been relied upon to show the “impossibility” of delivering all presents in one Christmas. For example, there was assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or NYC/SOHO, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have less than the average (and don’t forget the DINK/SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the Catholic (the predominant Christian denomination) families with 10 children would skew that derived 15% of homes down a few percent.
You’ve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. Let us assure you that anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids? Still other single-child homes are notorious for spoiled “naughty” children and average 55% delivery on a good year. Let’s drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
A simple history lesson reminds us that, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome, prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern “Orthodox” Churches do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches’. Thus, Santa’s schedule is not as tight as previously indicated.
Santa does indeed FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he is not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower- controlled areas near airports. He’s certainly not into dodging SCUD missiles over the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he uses DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
In regards to speed and time, we can’t reveal all the details, but let us remind you of basic relativity theory: The faster you go, the slower time progresses. Do you think StarTrek came up with the idea of warp drive? So, if Santa could go faster than light, then he can easily visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. (Has anyone thought of ice cubes?)
Aha, you say, Enterprise has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast? The answer is right before your skeptical eyes! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don’t evaporate or incinerate or get crushed because of this energy; they accelerate! What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry shield generator arrays.
The issue of weight constraints and delivery methods also shows a shocking lack of knowledge of basic matter/energy relations and beginning quantum physics. (Picture a two dimensional complex function mapped to the surface of a sphere with approximately 9000 nodal surfaces, and 18 million regions of relatively high amplitude.) Assuming this is getting way ahead of most people’s conceptual limits, we’ll just say that Captain Kirk wasn’t the first to say “beam me down.” Transporters, replicators, and holo-projections have been standard equipment in some workshops and certain aerospace vehicle way before the 24th century.
If that’s not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o’clock. NORAD (one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it’s name and therefore more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and displays radar shots of him approaching from the North Pole. They haven’t bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?
We certainly hope this clears up any damage caused by the bad press. Santa dead, indeed–some people will twist any statistic model to “prove” their cynical theory.
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Thought for the day

May 7, 2008


“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

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A True South African Friendship

May 7, 2008


“Hello, is this the SAP?”
“e-Yes. What you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding
dagga inside his firewood.”
“E-Yes…Thank you for your  co-opershun and informashun in combating crime
and violence, in our  society sir.”
The next day, the SAP descend on Hendrik’s house. They  search the braai
lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of
wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik’s house. “Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?”
“Ja!”
“Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?”
“…Ja….”
“Happy Birthday Boet!”
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Cab driver

May 7, 2008


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the pavement, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The  passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap
would  scare you so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for
the last
25 years.”

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DEAR JOHN…

May 7, 2008


The ultimate response to a “Dear John” letter …..

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up
with him.  AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to all his buddies and collected as many of the unwanted photos Of women
he could find.  He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes
and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send
the rest back.”