h1

How can I hide a user from the Welcome Screen in Windows XP?

August 2, 2008

To hide a user’s account from the welcome screen in Windows XP:

  1. Open Registry Editor.

  2. In Registry Editor, navigate to the following registry key:

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon\SpecialAccounts\UserList

  1. Create the following entry:

Username: REG_DWORD

(Where Username is the username of the user you want to hide from the Welcome Screen).

  1. Assign a value of 0.

  2. Close Registry Editor.

  3. Reboot.

This will prevent the user from showing up on the welcome screen. You will need to press CTRL-ALT-DEL twice at the logon screen to get the old W2K logon style box to be able to logon to the account you’ve hidden. Adding a username and setting the value to 1 will cause that user, such as Administrator, to show up on the Welcome screen as well.

Source: http://www.petri.co.il/hide_a_user_from_the_welcome_screen_in_windows_xp.htm

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How to create an “Offer Remote Assistance” shortcut

July 30, 2008

One of the features I like most about Windows XP (and SBS 2003) is Remote Assistance. In particular, I love being able to offer unsolicited remote assistance to my users (i.e. without them initiating the RA session, this way the user only has to click “ok” on the RA popup). This translates on helping users faster, not to mention that you can enjoy margaritas from the confort of your home while you help users. ow that I think about it… those “Earn $$$ while sitting in front of your PC at home” scams on the internet might be true after all.

Anyway, going back to the point… since I use this feature a lot and its somewhat hidden on XP (not so much in SBS) I thought it would be a good idea to create a link in my desktop (and/or the server desktop) to offer RA to users in distress. To do this, simply create a shortcut that points to:

%windir%\explorer.exe “hcp://CN=Microsoft%20Corporation,L=Redmond,S=Washington,C=US/Remote%20Assistance/Escalation/Unsolicited/Unsolicitedrcui.htm”

msra.exe /expert   (for Windows 7)

Now, I only have to connect to the site, double click there and type the address (talk about being lazy!). :-)

Happy RA-ing!


Source : http://msmvps.com/blogs/javier/archive/2004/11/13/19044.aspx

h1

AutoCAD Error: Unable to load profile file

July 22, 2008

Issue

During the startup of your Autodesk software, you received the following error message:

Unable to load profile file. Some profile information saved in last session may not be restored.

After you clicked OK to dismiss this error, the program operated very slowly and certain commands did not function properly.

Solution

This error message will occur if the Microsoft® XML parser is not installed or has become corrupted. To resolve this error, use one of the following procedures, depending on your product version:

For AutoCAD 2008-based products:

  1. Exit the affected Autodesk product.
  2. Insert the AutoCAD 2008-based product disk into the appropriate drive.
  3. Close the installer, if it appears.
  4. Browse to and run one of the following files:
    • For 32-bit operating systems:
      \support\msxml\msxml6.msi
    • For 64-bit operating systems:
      \support\msxml\msxml6_x64.msi
  5. Note: If you are unsure whether you are running a 32- or 64-bit operating system, stop this procedure and contact your system administrator before proceeding.

  6. Complete the installation by accepting all of the default settings.
  7. Click Start menu (Windows) > Run.
  8. In the Run dialog box, enter REGSVR32 MSXML6.DLL
  9. Click OK.
  10. Restart AutoCAD.

For AutoCAD 2007-based products and previous versions:

  1. Exit the affected Autodesk product
  2. Click Start menu (Windows) > Run,
  3. In the Run dialog box, enter XMLINST. Click OK.
    Note: If you receive an error that this file cannot be found, visit Microsoft’s website and download and extract this file to your System32 folder (by default, C:\Windows\System32)
  4. Click Start menu (Windows) > Run,
  5. In the Run dialog box, enter REGSVR32 MSXML3.DLL
    Note: If you receive an error that this file cannot be found, visit Microsoft’s website and download and extract this file to your System32 folder (by default, C:\Windows\System32)
  6. Restart AutoCAD.

For more information or questions about downloading, installing, or configuring the Microsoft XML Parser, contact Microsoft directly.

Source:  http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/item?siteID=123112&id=9450291&linkID=9240617

h1

RFCc2549 – IP over Avian Carriers with Quality of Service

June 25, 2008

Network Working Group                                    D. Waitzman
Request for Comments: 2549                       IronBridge Networks
Updates: 1149                                           1 April 1999
Category: Experimental

IP over Avian Carriers with Quality of Service

Status of this Memo

This memo defines an Experimental Protocol for the Internet
community.  It does not specify an Internet standard of any kind.
Discussion and suggestions for improvement are requested.
Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Copyright Notice

Copyright (C) The Internet Society (1999).  All Rights Reserved.

Abstract

This memo amends RFC 1149, “A Standard for the Transmission of IP
Datagrams on Avian Carriers”, with Quality of Service information.
This is an experimental, not recommended standard.

Overview and Rational

The following quality of service levels are available: Concorde,
First, Business, and Coach.  Concorde class offers expedited data
delivery.  One major benefit to using Avian Carriers is that this is
the only networking technology that earns frequent flyer miles, plus
the Concorde and First classes of service earn 50% bonus miles per
packet.  Ostriches are an alternate carrier that have much greater
bulk transfer capability but provide slower delivery, and require the
use of bridges between domains.

The service level is indicated on a per-carrier basis by bar-code
markings on the wing.  One implementation strategy is for a bar-code
reader to scan each carrier as it enters the router and then enqueue
it in the proper queue, gated to prevent exit until the proper time.
The carriers may sleep while enqueued.

For secure networks, carriers may have classes Prime or Choice.
Prime carriers are self-keying when using public key encryption.
Some distributors have been known to falsely classify Choice carriers
as Prime.

Packets MAY be marked for deletion using RED paint while enqueued.

Weighted fair queueing (WFQ) MAY be implemented using scales, as
shown:

__
_____/—–\   / o\
<____   _____\_/    >–
+—–+              \ /    /______/
| 10g |               /|:||/
+—–+              /____/|
| 10g |                    |
+—–+          ..        X
===============================
^
|
=========

Carriers in the queue too long may leave log entries, as shown on the
scale.

The following is a plot of traffic shaping, from coop-erative host
sites.

Alt |       Plot of Traffic Shaping showing carriers in flight
|
2k |           ………………..
|          .                    .
|         .                      .
1k |        .                        .
|   +—+                          +—+
|   | A |                          | B |
|   +—+                          +—+
|_____________________________________________

Avian carriers normally bypass bridges and tunnels but will seek out
worm hole tunnels.  When carrying web traffic, the carriers may
digest the spiders, leaving behind a more compact representation.
The carriers may be confused by mirrors.

Round-robin queueing is not recommended.  Robins make for well-tuned
networks but do not support the necessary auto-homing feature.

A BOF was held at the last IETF but only Avian Carriers were allowed
entry, so we don’t know the results other than we’re sure they think
MPLS is great.  Our attempts at attaching labels to the carriers have
been met with resistance.

NATs are not recommended either — as with many protocols, modifying
the brain-embedded IP addresses is difficult, plus Avian Carriers MAY
eat the NATs.

Encapsulation may be done with saran wrappers.  Unintentional
encapsulation in hawks has been known to occur, with decapsulation
being messy and the packets mangled.

Loose source routes are a viable evolutionary alternative enhanced
standards-based MSWindows-compliant technology, but strict source
routes MUST NOT be used, as they are a choke-point.

The ITU has offered the IETF formal alignment with its corresponding
technology, Penguins, but that won’t fly.

Multicasting is supported, but requires the implementation of a clone
device.  Carriers may be lost if they are based on a tree as it is
being pruned.  The carriers propagate via an inheritance tree.  The
carriers have an average TTL of 15 years, so their use in expanding
ring searches is limited.

Additional quality of service discussion can be found in a Michelin’s
guide.

MIB and Management issues

AvCarrier2 OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     SEQUENCE OF DNA
MAX-ACCESS can’t-read
STATUS     living
DESCRIPTION “Definition of an avian carrier”
::= { life eukaryotes mitochondrial_eukaryotes crown_eukaryotes
metazoa chordata craniata vertebrata gnathostomata
sarcopterygii terrestrial_vertebrates amniota diapsida
archosauromorpha archosauria dinosauria aves neornithes
columbiformes columbidae columba livia }

AvCarrier OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     SET OF Cells
MAX-ACCESS not-accessible
STATUS     obsolete
DESCRIPTION “Definition of an avian carrier”
::= { life animalia chordata vertebrata aves
columbiformes columbidae columba livia }

PulseRate OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX     Gauge(0..300)
MAX-ACCESS read-only

STATUS     current
DESCRIPTION “Pulse rate of carrier, as measured in neck.
Frequent sampling is disruptive to operations.”
::= { AvCarrier 1}

The carriers will not line up in lexigraphic order but will
naturally order in a large V shape.  Bulk retrieval is possible
using the Powerful Get-Net operator.

Specification of Requirements

In this document, several words are used to signify the requirements
of the specification.  These words are often capitalized.

MUST      Usually.

MUST NOT  Usually not.

SHOULD    Only when Marketing insists.

MAY       Only if it doesn’t cost extra.

Security Considerations

There are privacy issues with stool pigeons.

Agoraphobic carriers are very insecure in operation.

Patent Considerations

There is ongoing litigation about which is the prior art: carrier or
egg.

References

Waitzman, D., “A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on
Avian Carriers”, RFC 1149, 1 April 1990.

ACKnowledgments

Jim.Carlson.Ibnets.com > Jon.Saperia . ack 32 win 123 (DF)
Ross Callon, Scott Bradner, Charlie Lynn …

Author’s Address

David Waitzman
IronBridge Networks
55 Hayden Ave
Lexington, MA 02421
Phone: (781) 372-8161

EMail: djw@vineyard.net

Full Copyright Statement

Copyright (C) The Internet Society (1999).  All Rights Reserved.

This document and translations of it may be copied and furnished to
others, and derivative works that comment on or otherwise explain it
or assist in its implementation may be prepared, copied, published
and distributed, in whole or in part, without restriction of any
kind, provided that the above copyright notice and this paragraph are
included on all such copies and derivative works.  However, this
document itself may not be modified in any way, such as by removing
the copyright notice or references to the Internet Society or other
Internet organizations, except as needed for the purpose of
developing Internet standards in which case the procedures for
copyrights defined in the Internet Standards process must be
followed, or as required to translate it into languages other than
English.

The limited permissions granted above are perpetual and will not be
revoked by the Internet Society or its successors or assigns.

This document and the information contained herein is provided on an
“AS IS” basis and THE INTERNET SOCIETY AND THE INTERNET ENGINEERING
TASK FORCE DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING
BUT NOT LIMITED TO ANY WARRANTY THAT THE USE OF THE INFORMATION
HEREIN WILL NOT INFRINGE ANY RIGHTS OR ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF
MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.

Source : http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc2549.html

h1

RFCc1149 – Standard for the transmission of IP datagrams on avia

June 25, 2008

RFCc1149 – Standard for the transmission of IP datagrams on avia

Network Working Group                                        D. Waitzman
Request for Comments: 1149                                       BBN STC
1 April 1990

A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers

Status of this Memo

This memo describes an experimental method for the encapsulation of
IP datagrams in avian carriers.  This specification is primarily
useful in Metropolitan Area Networks.  This is an experimental, not
recommended standard.  Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Overview and Rational

Avian carriers can provide high delay, low throughput, and low
altitude service.  The connection topology is limited to a single
point-to-point path for each carrier, used with standard carriers,
but many carriers can be used without significant interference with
each other, outside of early spring.  This is because of the 3D ether
space available to the carriers, in contrast to the 1D ether used by
IEEE802.3.  The carriers have an intrinsic collision avoidance
system, which increases availability.  Unlike some network
technologies, such as packet radio, communication is not limited to
line-of-sight distance.  Connection oriented service is available in
some cities, usually based upon a central hub topology.

Frame Format

The IP datagram is printed, on a small scroll of paper, in
hexadecimal, with each octet separated by whitestuff and blackstuff.
The scroll of paper is wrapped around one leg of the avian carrier.
A band of duct tape is used to secure the datagram’s edges.  The
bandwidth is limited to the leg length.  The MTU is variable, and
paradoxically, generally increases with increased carrier age.  A
typical MTU is 256 milligrams.  Some datagram padding may be needed.

Upon receipt, the duct tape is removed and the paper copy of the
datagram is optically scanned into a electronically transmittable
form.

Discussion

Multiple types of service can be provided with a prioritized pecking
order.  An additional property is built-in worm detection and
eradication.  Because IP only guarantees best effort delivery, loss
of a carrier can be tolerated.  With time, the carriers are self-

regenerating.  While broadcasting is not specified, storms can cause
data loss.  There is persistent delivery retry, until the carrier
drops.  Audit trails are automatically generated, and can often be
found on logs and cable trays.

Security Considerations

Security is not generally a problem in normal operation, but special
measures must be taken (such as data encryption) when avian carriers
are used in a tactical environment.

Author’s Address

David Waitzman
BBN Systems and Technologies Corporation
BBN Labs Division
10 Moulton Street
Cambridge, MA 02238

Phone: (617) 873-4323

EMail: dwaitzman@BBN.COM

source : http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc1149.html

h1

How can I enable the RAS Dial-in tab on Windows XP computers that run Administration Tools?

June 18, 2008

To enable the RAS Dial-in tab in the Microsoft Management Console (MMC) Active Directory Users and Computers snap-in on an XP machine running the Administration Tools distribution package (Adminpak.msi), perform the following steps:

1. Create a registry file called dialin.reg. To do this, open a new file in a text editor such as Notepad, copy and paste the following text in the file, and name it dialin.reg:

Windows Registry Editor Version 5.00

[HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\RasDialin.UserAdminExt]
@=”"

[HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\RasDialin.UserAdminExt\CLSID]
@=”{B52C1E50-1DD2-11D1-BC43-00C04FC31FD3}”

[HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\RasDialin.UserAdminExt.1]
@=”"

[HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\RasDialin.UserAdminExt.1\CLSID]
@=”{B52C1E50-1DD2-11D1-BC43-00C04FC31FD3}”

[HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\MMC\NodeTypes\{19195a5b-6da0-11d0-afd3-00c04fd930c9}\Extensions\NameSpace]
“{B52C1E50-1DD2-11D1-BC43-00C04FC31FD3}”=”RAS Dialin – User Node Extension”

2. Merge dialin.reg with your XP registry, or run the following command from the command prompt:

regedit /s dialin.reg

3. Open a command prompt in XP and type the following commands, where ServerName is a Windows Server 2003 domain controller (DC) that has the Adminpak.msi installed:

cd /d %SystemRoot%\System32
copy \\ServerName\Admin$\System32\mprsnap.dll *.*
copy \\ServerName\Admin$\System32\rasuser.dll *.*
copy \\ServerName\Admin$\System32\rtrfiltr.dll *.*
regsvr32 rasuser.dll

4. Click OK to acknowledge the registration of the rasuser library. Your remote XP system should now have the RAS Dial-in tab.

Source : http://www.ntsecurity.net/article/articleid/42428/q-how-can-i-enable-the-ras-dial-in-tab-on-windows-xp-computers-that-run-administration-tools.html

h1

How to silently and remotely remove Symantec Antivirus

May 27, 2008

How to silently and remotely remove Symantec Antivirus

Getting away from the Linux game a bit I thought I would share a gem from my Windows side of things. This is how to remotely and silently remove Symantec’s Antivirus Corporate Edition from Windows computers.

I wanted to remove the antivirus programs remotely because the computers are too far away and my chair is rather comfortable having been moulded to my ample behind. I also wanted to do this removal silently to both allow the end users to continue working undisturbed and as an added bonus I don’t have to talk to them and have them put me off because they are just too busy at that moment.

The corporate edition of Symantec’s antivirus suite (version 10.x BTW) has a great tool for remotely installing to client computers but it has a nasty habit of not wanting to upgrade its minor version. That is to say it goes through the motions and talks the talk but it just didn’t walk the walk.

This means that there were several computers floating around using an older version of the antivirus program and they weren’t updating to the server. Nope not good at all. Unfortunately while I could install there was no way to remotely uninstall.

This is where I started talking to my good friend google again and after several conversations we worked out a method of remotely and silently uninstalling those wayward antivirus program so I could install (again remotely) those updated versions and have everything working hunky dory again.

What I first needed to do is find out how it manually uninstalls. This is found by going to the (I am not on a windows machine at the moment so this is going from memory) HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\MICROSOFT\ WINDOWS\CURRENT VERSION\UNINSTALL registry key and looking for the subkey dealing with uninstalling symantec antivirus.

For version 10.0 it is {BA4B71D1-898E-4306-AE87-8BA7A596F0ED} (that’s not from memory :)

There is even a line there showing what program it calls to actually uninstall which is (surprise, surprise) MsiExec.exe. Just typing that line in a console starts the removal process just as if you called it from add and remove programs. That is not what we want however. The actual line needed with all of the proper arguments is.

MsiExec.exe /norestart /q/x{BA4B71D1-898E-4306-AE87-8BA7A596F0ED} REMOVE=ALL

Typing msiexec /? will give you a dialog box with what all the arguments mean but basically it just tells windows to remove that program and all of its parts quietly with no fuss and don’t reboot when you have finished. Nothing would upset an end user more than having the computer reboot on them when they were just about to save a presentation that they worked on for four hours.

This is not the end of it though. First the command is done locally so you still have to be sitting in front of the computer and have the end user breathing down your neck. Secondly the corporate edition of Symantec’s antivirus can require a password to be uninstalled. Actually it should require a password to be uninstalled or you haven’t done your job properly.

This can all be fixed from the comfort of our well worn chair. First, to fix the password issue, we can start up regedit and from the file menu connect via the network to the remote machines registry. Then navigate to the following key.

“[HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\INTEL\LANDesk\ VirusProtect6\CurrentVersion\AdministratorOnly\Security]“

In that key make sure the two following values “LockUnloadServices” and “UseVPUninstallPassword” are zero. That takes care of the password asking problem.

Finally the last thing we need to do is remotely execute the msiexec program. This is done by a great set of tools that were originally done by Sysinternals which have since been bought out by Microsoft. They are called PSTools and are freely downloaded from the Microsoft web site. The particular tool I used is called psexec and is used for remotely running a command on a machine.

So to uninstall Symantec’s antivirus program all I had to do was type the following line from a command prompt.

psexec \\computer_name MsiExec.exe /norestart /q/x{BA4B71D1-898E-4306-AE87-8BA7A596F0ED} REMOVE=ALL

Lo and behold the remote computer dutifully uninstalls that pesky virus program ready for a fresh install. The good thing about this is the end users have no idea what just happened and more importantly they had no interruption to their work. Most importantly I didn’t have to get up from my chair :)

There is one caveat. The account that you do all this work under has to have domain administrator privileges and the remote computer has to be joined to said domain. So random hackers, your out of luck. This operation is only for legitimate purposes.

Source: http://blogs.ittoolbox.com/linux/locutus/archives/how-to-silently-and-remotely-remove-symantec-antivirus-14625

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TrueCrypt

May 22, 2008

Free open-source disk encryption software for Windows Vista/XP, Mac OS X, and Linux
Main Features:

* Creates a virtual encrypted disk within a file and mounts it as a real disk.

* Encrypts an entire partition or storage device such as USB flash drive or hard drive.

* Encrypts a partition or drive where Windows is installed (pre-boot authentication).

* Encryption is automatic, real-time (on-the-fly) and transparent.

* Provides two levels of plausible deniability, in case an adversary forces you to reveal the password:

1) Hidden volume (steganography – more information may be found here).

2) No TrueCrypt volume can be identified (volumes cannot be distinguished from random data).

* Encryption algorithms: AES-256, Serpent, and Twofish. Mode of operation: XTS.

Download at http://www.truecrypt.org/

h1

The Physics of Santa Claus

May 7, 2008


No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead by now.
Santa’s Rebuttal
NORTH POLE, SANTA’S VILLAGE – For Immediate Release
It has come to the attention of Santa’s workshop that there have been disparaging remarks made in the press recently about Santa’s very existence. Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish, so-called study.
As was admitted by the skeptics, there is only a very small probability of finding a flying reindeer. That is precisely because they are all located at the Workshop. Your very argument against Santa is proof of his existence! As is widely known (Re: the excellent historical documentaries “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”) the flying reindeer are not a separate species, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns, which is passed on in their offspring.
A series of cascading assumptions have been relied upon to show the “impossibility” of delivering all presents in one Christmas. For example, there was assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or NYC/SOHO, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have less than the average (and don’t forget the DINK/SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the Catholic (the predominant Christian denomination) families with 10 children would skew that derived 15% of homes down a few percent.
You’ve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. Let us assure you that anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids? Still other single-child homes are notorious for spoiled “naughty” children and average 55% delivery on a good year. Let’s drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
A simple history lesson reminds us that, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome, prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern “Orthodox” Churches do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches’. Thus, Santa’s schedule is not as tight as previously indicated.
Santa does indeed FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he is not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower- controlled areas near airports. He’s certainly not into dodging SCUD missiles over the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he uses DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
In regards to speed and time, we can’t reveal all the details, but let us remind you of basic relativity theory: The faster you go, the slower time progresses. Do you think StarTrek came up with the idea of warp drive? So, if Santa could go faster than light, then he can easily visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. (Has anyone thought of ice cubes?)
Aha, you say, Enterprise has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast? The answer is right before your skeptical eyes! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don’t evaporate or incinerate or get crushed because of this energy; they accelerate! What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry shield generator arrays.
The issue of weight constraints and delivery methods also shows a shocking lack of knowledge of basic matter/energy relations and beginning quantum physics. (Picture a two dimensional complex function mapped to the surface of a sphere with approximately 9000 nodal surfaces, and 18 million regions of relatively high amplitude.) Assuming this is getting way ahead of most people’s conceptual limits, we’ll just say that Captain Kirk wasn’t the first to say “beam me down.” Transporters, replicators, and holo-projections have been standard equipment in some workshops and certain aerospace vehicle way before the 24th century.
If that’s not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o’clock. NORAD (one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it’s name and therefore more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and displays radar shots of him approaching from the North Pole. They haven’t bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?
We certainly hope this clears up any damage caused by the bad press. Santa dead, indeed–some people will twist any statistic model to “prove” their cynical theory.
h1

Thought for the day

May 7, 2008


“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”